Pictures of the Past from the Future?

The other night I had the most peculiar thing happen to me. I woke up to the sound of a strange loud clap from outside the Crow’s Nest. As I approached the door of the deck, it immediately swung open where a man to my equal stood before me. This is what was said:

“Michael! You have to let me in! There isn’t much time!”
“Dad?!?”
“No, I’m not the ghost of your Dad! I am YOU! From the FUTURE!”
“Aaaaaaaaah!”
” Do not be afraid, I have time traveled here on urgent business.”
“Wow! What’s the future like? How many Phases of mine are complete? How’d I get the eye patch? Are my kids in trouble? I’m I still sing–”
“–There isn’t much time to explain these mere queries. [Also, it’s against Time Travel Code Act to tell someone there own destiny that awaits them.]”
“….oh…ok then.”
“You must hear me and hear me clear. I [ or we ] have made the mistake of making an evil clone of ourselves that has time travelled all over the world dating back to before WWII and has been planting his evil clone seed with different women over the span of 40 years!”
“WHAT!? I have evil clone sons that are all older than me?!?”
“Well if you want to get technical, they are your evil clone’s sons, not yours, but yes pretty much.”
“But what does this mean for me?”
“You must find them, my dear self, and then you must destroy them. They are pure evil and are they hold the key to a diabolical plot to end the world.”
“How am I supposed to find them?”
“Take these senior pictures of them; I have included all the information that will help you find them.”

He then gave me a small stack of pictures with information written out on the back of each of them. He stepped out back onto the Crow’s Nest, where there was a loud clap, and like that he was gone.
“Goodbye, my future self!”

It was so strange… but nothing could prepare me for the disturbing senior pictures before me.

I present these to you as evidence of these sons of my evil clone from the future:

Name: Mitch Miles McGiff
Born: 1970 in Quebec, QC, Canada
Picture taken: Spring of 1987
What we know: Mitch Miles McGiff spent most of is young life in between surveying various Northeast American colleges and pledging in various fraternities, which all ended in failure and in out of court settlements. He was last seen working at his uncle’s moose farm in Frenchtown, Maine.

Name: “Miff” Tanner Sanders
Born: 1939 in Lincoln, Nebraska
Picture taken: Fall of 1956
What we know: Miff holds the Jedediah Benson High School record for most terms as Student Council President, winning 5 out of 6 times. In the sixth, he was forced to withdraw from the race after his involvement in aiding the Butter-Crisper Gang in the kidnapping of the Elmersville High School mascot, Elmer the potbelly pig. After High School it is said that he relocated to suburban Texas where he would become a door-to-door salesman selling novelty embroidered toaster covers.

Name: Michael O’Mannell Saunders
Alias: Crazy Old Mick
Born: 1941 in Glasgow, Scotland, UK
Picture taken: Fall of 1974 (faculty picture)
What we know: In the 60s, Mick moved to the states from Scotland and became a high school English teacher in New Jersey. In the 70s he was dubbed “Crazy Old Mick” after  throwing a blackboard at a student who called him Irish. He was later diagnosed severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Turrets Syndrome, and Arthritis

Name: Jørgan Hagen I of the Danes
Born: 1948 in Copenhagen, Denmark
Picture taken: Summer of 1964
What we know: Jørgan was born into the Royal Danish Family. After the father was never found out (Evil Clone Michael), it was decided that he would never become the rightful king of Denmark. When old enough, he was shipped off to boarding school in London. After school he returned to Denmark we he promised to overthrow his Danish family and was then locked away out of public eye. He disappeared sometime in the 80s after escaping from a German discotheque fire.

Name: Russ Vleakman
Born: 1959 in Flint, Michigan
Picture taken: Fall or 1976
What we know: Russ was a high school drop out. He had spent most of his early years working on cars and going to roller discos with his black friends. It is assumed that he doing the exact same thing today as he was then, just instead of roller discos, he is going to the local Waffle House.

Name: Micah Suarez
Born: 1966 in Culpepper, Virginia
Picture taken: Winter of 1979
What we know: There are only two things known about Micah; His love for Metal and renaissance fairs

Name: MDJ.- 1.2.3
Born: 1977 in San Diego, California
Picture taken: Summer of 1995
What we know: MDJ.-1.2.3 is an amateur motivational rap artist. He has last been seen selling cassette tapes outside various shopping centers in the greater San Diego area. He has had various parking lot hits, such as “Sleep When Yo Dead”, “Find the Time, not your Nine”, and “Pack Lunches, Not Heat”.

Name: Michael Michaels
Born: 1974 in Columbus, Georgia
Picture taken: Summer of 1993
What we know: Michael Michaels was raised out of a tracker trailer rig for the first 12 years of his life. After completing a family record of 2 and half years of high school, Michaels dropped out and when straight to Firework Stand School to get his associate’s degree in Firework Stand Management. He has spent the last several years smuggling large amounts of illegal fireworks in between state lines.

Name: Mike Saunders
Born: 1983 in Fredericksburg, Virginia
Picture taken: Spring of 2002
What we know: Mike was born on the east coast, but at the age of 15, his parents moved him to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Michael soon found passions for suping Honda Civics, Dave Matthew’s Band, and frosting his hair. Michael was last seen living in Albuquerque, New Mexico working as an account for an insurance company. He is now 300 lb. and drives a Scion.

So those are the “facts”  on these elleged evil clone sons. It looks ike I’ll be spending some time finding cheap tickets to Denmark soon. I look forward to meeting these people (although I’ll have to destroy them) or meeting my future self again.

The Troubling Mind of 10 Year Old Michael Sanders... Pt. 2

It’s that time again! That’s right folks, we now continue diving future into the psychy of little 10 year ol’ Michael J.

Again, it was fourth grade in Mrs. Shandler’s class. this time it was Cereal Box designing! “Great! Let’s see what kid of cracked out malice on paper the Sanders kid can crank out.” I do not recall if this was before or after the Hannibal the Cannibal’s Cafe debacle. But Although it was not as troubling as before, it still was creepy and bizarrely creative to say the least.

This is the menu I came up with:

Eat it up folks.

”BAREF OATS! and don’t forget kids, ‘Oats! It’s Smelly, It’s Looksvery Goodit!’”

I must have not been around anyone to ask how to spell the key most important word in the entire project “barf”, at the time. And due to trademark laws, we will just have to stick with “Baref Oaks.”

Also, let’s make sure eveyone is clear that Baref Oats are NOT 100% FAT FREE! They could be at little fat free, or even not at all, we aren’t really that sure. We just don’t want to give the wrong impression of our product. Vagueness is what we want in a child’s diet.

While other brands rely on sugars, nuts, and even dried fruit, we at Baref Oats rely on the only the following ingredients.

• Baref Brokly - not to be confused with barfed up broccoli. It’s different!
  
• Baref Bamana - not to confused with barfed up bananas. Also different!
• Baref Blue - wait. What? If I ever barf up anything blue, please call poison control.
• Molb - I have so many questions about this one I don’t know where to start!
  
  • Is it some sort of type of bacteria that comes from a stomach?
  • Did you mean mold?
  • How would you not die from this?

Don’t forget to dig out your “Hole Penny” prize at the bottom box when you are done.

And no comment on the floating head with scary yellow animal-esk teeth. Yeesh!

Tune in next time when we unveal the next cereal “Ebola Granola” (that was my in 7th grade year. A monkey dancing with a guy in a hazmat suite was on the cover. Another blog, another day.)

The Tower (phase 1)

Many of you have wondered many things about me. Some of you are wondering how or where does this man come up with such things? And then further along, in your queries, you might be wondering where are the headquarters of such a intriguing man? Where does this man sleep? Does he sleep? Where is he when he’s not outside waging wars on tornadoes and wrestling wild dogs? Well, my folk, I’m here to tell you, that this man does have a home, and does have place to they he’s crazy head. I wont just tell you, I will show you.

For those of you who have not had the absolute pleasure to view my humble living quarters, I present to you, somewhere between myth, fact and/or renovation, my house.

It not just any home, it is fully operational headquarters of Michael Sanders Inc. It is the home of all things I create, dream, and scheme.

I speak the truth, when I tell you this is my house! There are no fabrications here.

I live in a huge fortress of 14 rooms ( and 4 and half baths - not all in picture)

Let me give you a virtual tour

1. The Captain’s Room - My Room. Best in the house. A loft complete with the Alma mater Pirate Flag, 40 pipe collection, 1970’s deluxe entertainment center that was hoisted up to its glory, lava laps, Guitar Hero, brown captain’s recliner with matching brown rug, and with a laminating speckle of 12 overhead dimmer lights for any mood.

2. The Situation Room - To the back of the Captain’s Room lies a command center that rivals any supermarket security room. Fit for any emergency, like floods, storms, invasions, Tornado tracking, and a direct line to an all night Mac support team.

3. The Super Secret Passage - At the back of the situation room lies a secret corridor that is programmed to only hold my weight. Any other weight, light or heavy, will result in falling through the ceiling below, thus owing my landlord a lot of money.

4. The Super Secret Room - The contents of this room are extremely secret. All that can be described are as followed: extra bed, a periscope, a mini fridge and emergency roof top access.

5. The Crow’s Nest - The almighty perch which overlooks into Alexandria and straight at the mysterious Masonic Temple, which I am convinced to be the rival my palace. Equipped with zip line for any speedy exit.

6. The Spine of Odin - No door is worthy of the Captain’s Room! But a furious spiral staircase made from the vertebrae of an ancient pterodactyl! Thus helping the house receive the title of the Tower!

7. Ball Room - No evening gown required here, just some comfortable clothes and a good attitude to enter. Who in there right mind would not want a ball pit in house? EVERYONE, that’s who! For 20 years I have taken one McDonalds’s play pin ball on each visit, finally I have enough to fill the once master bedroom, making it best for R&R or slumber parties

8. The Frou Frou Room - The Pink walled female living quarters. It is a generous room with full walk-in closet and full bathroom. This is the room where my sister resides. Woopty Doo!

9. The Commodore Quarters - This small room off the front of the second floor is just another bedroom in the house. The coolest thing about this room is it’s name. It is were third roommate in the house is now located after being relocated out of the now Ball Room (sorry, H)

10. El Parlór (L-Par-Lor) - Once the door man has greeted you on arrival, be sure indulge in the artwork and have a mint julep a the counter, while you await your host. If you don’t care for mint juleps, there is always a 2 liter of Slice in the mini fridge)

11. The Mighty Dine - The 15th century Gothic dinning room. It is hardly ever used, but for corporate meetings, Risk, Apples to Apples.

12. The Kitchen - Can’t say I spend a lot time in here.

13. The Lion’s Den - The minimalistic room is filled with three couches, TV center, and the skull remains of a slain Minotaur for all to see.

14. The Porch of the Pegasus - Before entering the presence of the Tower, one must climb the 70 plus stars and take heed to the Statue of the Pegasus.

15. Pirate BAAAARRR! - What better place to entertain guests than a swashbuckling pirate bar. Sing songs, tell stories, Song songs about stories….

16. Workshop - Anytime something is in need of a fixin’, drillin’, wrechin’, or carvin’, it will take place here. Also serves a side entrance for bikes, the Pirate BAAAARRR and the notorious Rumpus Room!

17. The Rumpus Room - Converted from the place of a roommate that is never here, the Rumpus Room serves to accommodate any show or an infamous Michael Sanders dance party. Daft Punk will play at my House…

18. Hit the Deck! - The perfect weapon for summer BBQs.

So there you have it. My home. And the best is yet to come. For this is a mere phase 1 of 12 in the epic saga of The Michael Sanders empire.

I feel a big post coming...

The Problem with Cheese

Why must humans consume rotten milk?
There’s a Cheese & Wine store down the street from my house. It smells like
the insides of a dead baby calf filled with vinegar.

All the world’s with problems go back to cheese!

If cows only knew that once we have slaughtered them, ground them up, cooked them, we then put a thin solid layer of what they feed their young on top of there dead remains, there would an epic cow uprising of Far Side proportions!

Sometimes we give cows a break by eating Goat cheese. But who is anyone kidding? We don’t eat goats!…well not like as use to. (Ah the savory delicacies of goat meat!)

Cheese is a sin! A sweet savory sin! If the heart had one mortal nemesis it would be a block of Wisconsin’s finest Sharp Cheddar. With it’s daggers sharp enough to block the biggest and baddest artery.

“Hey, let’s MELT the cheese! That way, it can get to the center of our ticker even quicker!”

Cheese, you Devil. How I love you so.

But back to goats - If we can milk a goat and make cheese, why don’t we milk anything and everything that has nipples?

• Gorilla cheese - the finest dairy cuisine in all of central Africa!
• Dog cheese - The Chinese eat them, why don’t we make cheese with them?
• Whale cheese - While ol’ Moby is washed up on the western shore, why not strap a milker to its chest and go to town.
• Bear Cheese - Good luck with that one! That would take them down a peg or two.
• Pig Cheese - We eat every part of them, why not?

This makes me think…human cheese?

Could American cheese possibly be made from human milk? It’s arguably the least favorite cheese out there, but CHILDREN seem to love it!

So there you go - before indulging in your microwaveable cheese pizza, think about what you are getting into!

*Mike Sanders does not dislike cheese in any which way or form. In fact, Mike Sanders loves cheese. He just thinks about these things when wanting to take a three hour nap after this delectable triple cheese burger from Fuddruckers.

**If you are at all enticed by the idea of Human Cheese, perhaps you should check out the Restaurant listed in the blog below, or seek professional care.

The Troubling Mind of 10 Year Old Michael Sanders... Pt. 1

Hello, my old friend. It has been a long month now, since my last entry. There was a Writer’s Strike in The Mike Sanders Creative Thoughts Emporium, P.O. Box My Brain. I had realized that it would take some sort of time warp to bring back those sweet creative juices that flow so well from my head. It was just over a week ago that I had found some interesting school projects from my fourth grade years in some boxes in my mother’s garage.

I remember this creative piece well…
First off  it was 1993 or  1994, I was about 10 years old. In Mrs. Shandler’s fourth grade class, one the students’ creative arts project was to create a restaurant and design it’s menu. 

This is the menu I came up with:

oh       my       Lord.

Yes….read it carefully…. Handburger 99¢, Cheekburger $2.50, Nose Nuggets $1.50, Finger Dog 99¢, Tongue Sandwich $2.00, Blood Pizza $2.50, etc.

I know what you’re thinking…. and know what your questions might be:

(Man, I can’t believe how cheap the food is!) - Nay.

WHY in the world was this kid not shipped off to a special school, full of ADHD kids, safe-guard none sharp objects and feel good puppet shows?

Because I was just creatively “strange”. That, or not crazy enough. I knew this one kid, Gabe, who jumped up onto the desk and threatened to stab the teacher and his mom with a compass.
For the win.

WHO in the world would allow a child to make such a garbage, or not monitor their odd behavior?

My parents, God bless them. One being a preacher, and the other being a teacher, one would think that there would be no way for their child to know what a cannibal was, little less know who Hannibal Lector is. But parents who let their children watch rated R movies supervised, and regularly bought their son MAD Magazines would beg to differ.  

WHAT in the world was this child thinking!?

“hmmm….burger joint…..burgers….hamburgers…handburgers?….. Genius!”  And the rest was history.I had a creative niche and ran with it.

WHEN in the world, did the parents decide counseling was no longer an needed option fit for their kin?

I can image few red flags went up in my parents head, thinking, “Hey, let’s play this one out, Hun. Let’s see if Michael starts killing bunny rabbits or eating live chickens…If so, then we can get him counseling.”

“Oh dear, I hope you are right.” 

WHERE in the world was the teacher’s mind to accept this project?

I don’t know, but if you look at the bottom of the menu you will see the “A” followed by a “Clever”.  Eat that!

HOW would one “Eat that?” Or HOW would one order from this café?

Waiter: Hi, Welcome to Hannibal the Cannibal’s Café. I’m Gary, I’ll be your waiter today. Can I start you off with a Blood Shake or a Blood Tea?
Guest A: Yes I think I’ll have a Blood Shake.
Waiter: And You?
Guest B: Ummm, I think I’ll have a Slice.
Waiter: Do you want me to put a little blood in it?
Guest B: Ummm, no thanks.
Guest A: And I think we’re also ready to order?
Waiter: Ok! I’ll start with you: What would you like?
Guest A: I think I’ll have the Tongue Sandwich. And could i get that without pickles?
Waiter: No prob. And you?
Guest B: What kind of cheese do you use on the Blood pizza?
Waiter: Parmingiano - Reggiano
Guest B: Well actually I think I’ll have the Cheeckburger with a side order of Ear Chips.
Waiter: Okay.
Guest A: Oh and can you box up a order Nose Nuggets and an Eyeball Salad to go as well?
Waiter: Sure, Ok your food will be up in 10 to 15 minutes.
Guest A: Thank You.
Guest B: Wow all that food will come to just $9.15!
Guest A: Man we will have to come back here for Lunck every week.
Guest B: It sure pays being a cannibal!

The Future?

Why the crap has the “future” that we were so very excited about, not happened yet? I mean the future that we were supposed to look forward to when we were kids?

I’m talking about Blade Runner and Back to the Future II depictions of the future! Flying cars, and hoverboards! WHERE IS MY HOVERBOARD?! It’s time to get to work people! Back to The Future II’s future takes place is in 2015. That gives us 7 years to get crackin’!

So what was it was about the 1980’s that got everyone so pumped for the future? Was it the Casio or was it laser tag?

If 1985 could talk to or check up on 2008 to see how the future was going how would the conversation go? I have an idea….

The Q & A Transcripts between 1985 and 2008 on the Topic of “The Future”

1985: Wow! I can’t believe I’m talking with 2008! WoOoOoOoWhoo!! USA! USA! USA!
2008: Yes. Thank you. It’s alright. You can sit down now.
1985: Ha! Sorry I’m just so excited!
2008: Oh it’s ok. I understand.
1985: Well as you know I’m 1985 and I’m SOOO excited about the future! So I guess I’ll just go right into the first question. How is SPACE?
2008: ahhh, well it’s fine, still. There are quite a few more satellites orbiting Earth.
1985: Oh cool…wait, you’re not living in space yet?
2008: No, I can’t say we are yet.
1985: ….huh.
2008: But I can say, one can book a space flight months and months in advance for thousands of dollars.
1985: That’s interesting I guess.
2008: Yeah. It’s not really a common thing people do.
1985: Oh. Well…tell me, what are flying cars like?
2008: Sorry, no flying cars have been invented yet.
1985:What! Really?
2008: Yeah. It’s a lot more complex than one would think. Especially with recent oil costs rising to almost $125 a barrel, it would make just as much sense to buy a plane. We Still have those!
1985: …
2008: We have and are making more Hybrid cars, which are cars with half fuel/half electric engines.
1985: Can they hover?
2008: No.
1985: Can anything hover, 2008?
2008:Well, nothing that can be commercially bought.
1985: Well what’s cutting edge?
2008: Well we have Segways
1985: What’s a Segway?
2008: It’s a machine you ride standing that has two wheel on the sides, and handles bars to steer.
1985: So…you’re saying you re-invited the scooter?
2008: It’s not a scooter, it’s a segway! It’s different. You have optimal balance!
1985: Ok, ok. What else is new?
2008: We have a computer that can fit onto a big envelope!
1985: So you can mail computers!?
2008: No— I mean, yes you can, but you don’t. You mail stuff through a computer it’s called “Email.”
1985: That’s nice — But back to flying cars..how long do you think until there are flying cars?
2008: Well honestly, they’re going to have to completely rethink the economic engineering of a new traffic system, and probably they will have discover a creeper more efficient material than oil for them to run on.
1985: …so?
2008: I say another 30 years. From me, not you.
1985: Well, any cool new cultural things or crazy styles?!
2008: Actually no… If you can believe it you are back in style. As in, the 80s are back in style.
1985: .… I am flattered, outraged, and baffled all at the same time!
2008: Yeah it’s kind of embarrassing now, come to think of it…
1985: Any robots or artificial intelligence?
2008: Just a few. There’s this flat one that can vacuum pretty well.
1985: Final Question: Is EPCOT Center still considered to be the “Community of Tomorrow”? Or has it be closed to the public and is now a Utopian future society that secretly harbors a alien robot army in it’s “Starship Earth?”
2008: No to both of those questions. The hype and excitement of EPCOT died swiftly in the early 90’s. It did for the future, what Jefferson Starship did for the music; absolutely nothing.
1985: Hey, I love that band!

Fortify My Ride!

I hate traffic. Especially my during my commute. DC traffic is the worst. I have to make a giant question-mark-shaped route just to be at work in less than a hour. I spend around $50 a week to fill up my gluttonous Jeep. Everyday it’s the same similar battle; Being stuck behind that fat cow on her phone in her PT Cruiser, who won’t merge.

“Why is this Lexus tailing me at 80 in the right lane?…go ahead pass!..figures Maryland plates!”

“Oh by all means Come on over into my lane, I wasn’t going to speed up anyway. In fact I was really waiting for you to come right in front of me because I really wanted descend into a nice 50 mile an hour pace, thanks!”

“Ooooo Look Everyone! A circus truck full of monkeys has flipped on it’s side! And the monkeys are loose all over the interstate and are throwing poo at all the cars! Let’s all slow down to a 15 mile an hour pace so we can rubber neck at those cute chimpos!

Traffic is War, my friends. That is why I am now making the necessary steps to turn my Jeep into Commuting War Machine! (Basically by turning my Jeep into a life size GI Joe vehicle!) And in no sense am I “Pimping” out my “ride”. That’s what thug teenagers do to their Acuras a month before they get it impounded or wrap it around a tree. I am “Fortifying” my “vehicle!”

Below is the basic blueprints of this fine machine, with in depth descriptions of all it’s standard features:

1. Stripes - The only thing on my Jeep that doesn’t really have a function. I just like stripes and it punches well of the green. So sue me.
2. Caged Windshield - Nothing says “I’m ready for virtually anything you throw at me!” like a caged-in window. It also helps support weight, and has a defrost function.
3. Super Omega Delta Nitro Boosters - Because the flames are SO “boss!”
4. Skull Grill Ornament - So the fat lady in the PT Cruiser knows that I mean business.
5. Satellite - This state of the art dish will be able to pick up police scanners, emergency signals, sonar, virtually clear CB radio channels for miles, XM radio and HBO OnDemand for guess in the back.
6. Quad Missile Launcher - I really don’t see any immediate use for this yet, but it looks so bad A, and it will come in handy if there’s a need to clear any rubble barricades or fallen trees.
7. Spinning Wheel Spikes -Like the mighty Ben-Hur, these will come in great use when someone tries whip around and pass the Jeep quickly. Think again.
8. Mini Torpedo Silo - If ever the chance the vehicle is partially submerged in water, torpedoes will be a valuable asset to clear hostile logs in the waters (ei. If the Potomac happens to flood in my commute.)
9. Duel Grappling Hooks - In times where one doesn’t feel like stop-and-go driving, this feature will make it possible for a “free ride” or tow.
10. Gatling Gun - Don’t worry I’ll get the permit for it…jeez!
11. The Unforgiving Diarrhea Gun - (My favorite feature) This state of the art tool shoots a small laser that liquefied people’s bowels, and 20 to 30 minutes later…well, you get the jest of it.
12. Mechanical Scorpion Tail - The Savage hammer of Tutankhamun is nothing to take lightly. But hopefully the big novelty boxing glove at the end will make it’s strike a little “less” extremely deadly.
13. Wings - Ahhh yes. When traffic is at an incredible cease, nothing is greater than the option to escape into the skies on a seconds notice.
14. Moving Text Display - I means to communicate with other drivers on the road (or to talk trash.) The display can also relay messages backwards for drivers to read though rear-view mirrors (ei. “If you could so kindly move into the right lane, so I may pass, that would be great. Thank You:) “

A few other interior features include: 6 disc CD changer, power adapter, beaded seat covers, CB Radio, adjustable cup holders, emergency road kit, TV/VCR, Blankets and a mini-fridge filled with Arizona Iced Tea.

Now, all I have to do is find that number of that one Lockheed Martin guy I kind of know, for a estimate. But for now…

TAKE A TEST DRIVE!

The Road to Mustache-Land

There comes a time in a man’s life when he must commit to take the magical steps of growing out the majesty that resides between the upper lip and the nostril cavities. I am referring to the mustache.

I speak of my mustacheal awaking. There are a few roads of facial hair realization (preach!) that a man must travel to reach Facial Hair Nation (preach it!) Sounds weird right? Don’t worry– It will make sense to you soon. Everyman’s journey is different. This is the account of mine:

The ROAD to Mustacheland:

* Starts to grow hairs on face unwillingly
* Refers to them as “Facial Hair”
* Learns to shave these hairs
* Learns to maintain these hairs
* Willingly grows hair out on upper-lip
o Shaves it immediately
* Grows hair on side of face
* Claims it as Sideburn County
* Maintains growth, then becomes the mighty Chops City
* Chops finally connect, making
BEARD COUNRTY
* BEARD COUNTRY opens its gates for a mustache state to creep in slowly
* Full Facial hair is acquired! The United Beard & Stache Alliance (UBSA) is formed
* BEARD COUNTRY has ascended into Heaven
* Mustache can finally stand alone in bask in its beauty and independence.
* The Declaration of Mustacheland is written!

Now, not every journey to a Facial Hair Nation is completed, sadly.

Even when some are acheived, they are “Third World” material (bald patches, spread out thin, etc.) And some that are too populated like China or India (Neck Beards anyone?)

So, in closing I will see how long “Mustacheland” lasts.

hmmm…where’s my beard trimmer…

The Anatomy of a Dragon is a Metal Band

This post is best read while listening to one of the following bands;

Anthrax, Dragonforce, Iron Maiden, Unearth, Darkest Hour etc.

Or if you don’t listen to Metal, then you might better understand what you’re missing, or even, what to stay away from.

I have discovered that Metal, or a lot of other fast and hard bands are great similes for the Dragon! Each and every part of the band can be broken down and compared to the elements of flight and fury that make up a beastly dragon.

The ANATOMY of a Dragon is a METAL Band

I. The Drums - The grizzly fluttering of their mighty wings.

• Any band that doesn’t have blast beats might as well not have drums, therefore they don’t have wings—THEREFORE they are no dragon but a small weak lizard.

If a Metal band is a dragon, then that means Nickelback is salamander. Or Dave Matthew’s Band a newt.

II. The Bass - The fast and sometimes ominous eyes of the firey beast, that keeps the rest on track.

• Trotting triplets - When the The dragon can dash his eyes back and forworth as he steadily hunts his pray and watches his back for cowardly noble lords.

A Metal band without a bass player is…well…still a Metal band, meaning the dragon is blind. Probably because his eyes were plucked out by a Griffin. I guess he’ll have to dwell in caves then.

( Griffin - Jazz or funk band.)

III. Guitar - All the physical attacks made by the scaled tyrant.

1. Rhythm Guitar - Any attacks or acts of aggression made by the dragon. These are mainly with the claws and/or fangs.
2. Lead Guitar and Solo - The furious tail which is broader, faster and sharper than 10,000 Knights’ Swords.

• This is finest weapon in the dragon’s arsenal.

• When you hear a Pinched Harmonic (a true guitar squeal,) that is when the dragon has slain a king or ruler.

IV. Vocals - The cavernous mouth of the Dragon. The loud cry of the lead singer is equal to the deafening screech of the Dragon.

• Scream or Yell - None other than the Dragon’s Breath of Fire! Its dangerous stream of sulfur burns any and every village in it’s way.

Obviously not every Metal band screams, so not all dragons breathe fire (but all the scariest ones do).

I hope this has been another educating entry. I know I’ve learn a few things or two. Prehaps I have a new Nemesis? Probably not. I wouldn’t stand and chance against a Dragon. But maybe I could ride a dragon….hmm….

NOTE: This isn’t an example of the type of dragon I’m talking about. It’s just to make my point. If JOURNEY were a dragon, they’d be Falcor. Non-Scary too the max.